This is my portfolio for HUM103/104. Due to the circumstances COVID-19 put me under, I decided to revise only some parts of my portfolio — I’d rather do a couple things well than do everything subpar. Hence, I have divided my portfolio into sections that indicate whether they are still works in progress or finished.
The statement below describes the theme of my portfolio.
Finding a theme for my portfolio was actually harder than I had anticipated. When I had submitted my practice portfolio in December, I had met all the guidelines and I knew all the elements of my portfolio were connected in some way, but I was rushing to submit it. So, I did not give it much thought. Looking at what I could work on during COVID-19, my research paper, collaborative piece, and definition of revolution, I was able to think about a theme that encapsulated them and the other aspects of my portfolio completed before
everything went to shit the pandemic.
I have decided to present the theme of my portfolio as anger. But, this is not the type of anger that expresses itself through cursing and yelling, even though I suppose it could. This anger is the type of anger I realize I have been experiencing for years. It is a simmering, perpetually on low-heat, anger. It is anger at the things I don’t understand, anger at the things I don’t want to understand, and even anger at the things I do understand. I mean, I even had a bit of anger at being told to create a theme for my portfolio. At times, the guidelines felt more restrictive than freeing. Why can’t you as the audience just absorb what I present and take what you will? No matter what artists say their intentions are or what the viewer should take away, the viewer has the absolute power in what they do with the artist’s work at the end of the day. However, creating this theme made me realize that I am making this portfolio for my own consumption.
Even though this is an assignment I am required to submit and you are viewing it currently, it is not for you or meant for you. This portfolio has been somewhat therapeutic in dealing with my chronic anger, but it has not resolved my anger. I think one of the most infuriating things is that even if I am angry about something, it changes nothing. When (or if) you read my definition of revolution or my research paper, it shouldn’t be difficult to realize I have a lot of anger about systems of oppression. However, just because I am angry doesn’t mean these systems will suddenly be dismantled. My anger means almost nothing because there have been a lot more people, with more significance than me, who are angry at these same issues. Yet, there has to be something more to my anger, something else I can do with it. So, this portfolio is my first step in confronting my anger. I know it is not enough though, because here I am typing this, sitting at home, when I should be doing more for my community. I am angry at myself for why it is so
fucking hard to take that step from inaction to action. I am angry that I am worried about my grades when they don’t mean jackshit aren’t important in the grand scheme of things. I am angry that I don’t put enough effort into the things that really matter….
Anger, anger, anger, and more anger.
I could turn this whole portfolio into a list of sources of my anger (Does this mean I should sign up for anger management classes?), but I won’t because it should be reflected in the work I have done. Also, I promised myself to start creating work that doesn’t exploit my own trauma, because a lot of the times it has not been healing for me, but has only equated my trauma with meaningfulness (e.g. feeling the need to write my college essay about personal trauma to gain admission). I implore you to do the same because even though your trauma may have shaped you, it is not the thing that makes you “meaningful” or “worthwhile”.
Anyways, this is my portfolio and while it is meant more for me than you, I hope it makes you think (or reflect) at least a little bit, or enough that some of my anger passes to you. Anger is a powerful emotion and I don’t know exactly the best use of anger is, but it must be something that can you make you at least a little less angry.